I had a dream!

4 April 2008

It is year 1984, although I am not quite sure. I shouldn't be grown up and all if it was so. We are living in a gigantic, gloomy, soviet-like apartment complex. It is as though the whole country is boxed into it. Most of it is comprised of large, windowless cubicles; with greasy-gray walls, cracked floor and battered rusty-iron tables. Posters are abundant; and an overwhelming smell of filth, tobacco, and bad coffee fills the place, altogether creating a suffocating atmosphere of misery. Groups of weary, fearful men are roaming the place…

Suddenly, the scene changes: I am inside a small, neon-lit detention cubicle faced by one of these men. He is a middle-aged, grim man with an untrimmed, short grayish beard and a tough complexion. For a second it looked as if his face combines all the hatred in our world...something about him was sickening and formidable. Simply, you can identify him as the big boss.
Although I don't remember the details of questioning, but he suddenly comes up with the brilliant idea that we are no longer allowed to live in the complex. Not to be evicted, instead, to be...evaporated. He orders his men to “get us”. They receive the order with almost ecstatic eagerness. Off they go, like wolves after their prey. A dreadful feeling of approaching doom filled me instantly, an instinct sensation of imminent threat. An unexplained catastrophe was about to fall upon us.

I don't know how or why, but I had the power to fly! The next thing I know, my father and I are standing in front of an elevator, a clean, hotel-like one. He takes out $10,000 of his pocket, all of what he has left, he split it into halves. He hands one half to me: you're going to need this, he says. We go in to opposite directions.

I am flying all around the complex, although I feel something is holding me down. We are being followed. The Big Boss's lads are after us. We had agreed to meet outside. We should be able to escape out of the back door of an old mansion: a large wooden cottage that is strangely built into one of the complex's upper levels. It is a long way to go. After many twists and hides, I reach the upper level. It is a classy, shiny place that you would not hope to find an old wooden cottage behind any of its doors. A group of Asian men are meeting with some local officials, and there's only one possibility, I think, of what they might be doing: conspiring. I manage to reach the front door of the mansion, where I see the boys pulling one poor old man, apparently trying to escape, out of it. He is handcuffed. They close the entrance. It is the end, I think. But then I somehow remember that the old mansion has a back door, although it is a long way to reach it. I had hoped to hide behind the stairwell, but I find it guarded, my heart sinks as I think for a second that they saw me...

I don't remember how, but somehow I end up inside the mansion, hurrying towards the back exit, and the lads are after me. I reach a glassy room, with small, dirty glass windows that are locked by iron bars. One guy is immediately behind me. I find a tool to cut the bars, but it is dull; and I fear it is going to take a long time and they'll get me. But time I have not, I make two crossed-cuts in one of the smaller glass windows and I break it open with my bare fist. I escape out of the small window while the guy is just about to cut across my waist with a huge iron pliers trying to stop me. I notice how beautiful the place outside the complex is: a large extended green pasture with a river coming across. I fly over the place, filled with great joy, heading towards an unknown destination. I finally feel relieved, and ... I wake up.

At the time, I had no clue on what this confused dream meant. I believe most of our dreams come from a deep, suppressed desire in our subconscious. Only few of them, if any, might be meant to happen in the future, but there's no way to prove or disprove that except in retrospect.

But for some reason, I have a very strong feeling that I will, one day, somehow, break out of that filthy complex and go see the world

A Late answer to an Old tag!

Things haven't been going the way I like, or the way I imagined. I feel I'm busy more than my daily schedule can explain, and I feel there's no room for thinking! I haven't posted or even logged in my account for nearly two weeks, and the connection problems have only contributed to this. I feel that I'm growing so impatient that I can't wait for a page to load (1 minute for an average page is too much, isn't it?) or even that I can't write my thoughts down. I hope this will be only a temporary change, but I can't promise that. For all those who takes the trouble and time to check my blog (and I highly appreciate it), I can only beg you to check my blog every other week i.e. every fortnight. I'm NOT quitting!

For this post, and although I have a plenty of my thoughts that's nearly prepared for posting, I'm choosing to reply to an old tag by Karin. I hope that would encourage me to get back to expressing myself as it should be.

1) Was there any incident in your life which you feel, influenced you in particular?

When I was a 2nd year student, I changed my place of residence and moved to a new place due to some circumstances. I had to unvoluntarily break up with my roomate because it was the only choice available. I have to admit that so far this is the acute incident that changed me the most. Otherwise, I've experienced a progressive, gradual but big change. My early introduction to serious reading had its own impact on me, and many single books have caused a great deal of change in who I am. But the biggest change ever, albeit a slow change, was the result of my coming to University. I'm surprised that I can notice my change on a yearly basis, and my elective experience was only a part of that long chain.

2) What are you afraid of? Please name at least ONE example!

It's not difficult to find something that we're all afraid of. If I had to put it in one word I'd say it is: CHANGE! We all try to maintain our state of homeostasis and equillibrium and avoid any, even necessary, change. Change of place, of food, and of job are simple examples. Wider meanings include Loss of beloved, and Aging.

3) Is there any nature-event, you particularly like (i.e. thunderstorm, rain, snow ect.)?

I have always thought that natural environment has a great impact on people's personality. I have enjoyed comparing people from different environments and explain, to myself, why it's very difficult for people "from Sea" cannot get along well with people from "the inside" or from Mountains. It is simply nature. As being a Tartoussi, I can say that Sea can affect me greatly when it's wild and stormy. The way it calms down afterwards is specillay touching, and the relatively fast sequence of events, from wilderness to calmness, is amazing.

4) What kind of sport (if any) are you fond of or even actively pursue?

I am not an avid sport fan per se. During the early years of my youth, I've engaged myself so heavily in BodyBuilding. Please don't get me wrong. I'm not narcissistic, and I don't look like a monster right now, and I don't intend to be in the future. I have only changed my skinny appearance through sport into an "average" guy. The mental part of the sport, and I know most of you will disagree, has affected me so much. The hard work, patience, determination, persistence, and egoism of the sport are really unique.
In spite of being lazy most of the time, the activity that I'll enjoy most, apart from eating-out, is to go jogging alone for some 3-5 Kilometers, or to go swimming with a small group of fit friends!

5) Do you easily get nervous or upset? "Blow up"?

It's not easy at all to make me angry, although I get upset quite often. But once I'm angry, it will take some effort to calm me down. People will need to commit a very big mistake with me to make me go crazy. I don't usually take it personally, but the apathy, indifference, and lack of mutual and self-respect in some people is unbearable.

6) Do you dread getting older? Feel the biological clock ticking?

It might be early to do so, But I fear the aging too much. I feel that time is going against me, I'm always trapped between the clock pointers, and it's me who is the loser. If I had one wish that will come true, it will be that time would stop for some 10-15 years, or even more, until I can do what I want to do while young before going on with life. But you know, no one can help it. I can only be anxious about time passing, let me just wait and see!

7) Are you more a city-person or prefere the country-side?

That's a confusing question! Who would refuse the deadly calm pleasant coutryside? Or who would bear the slowness of life in countryside? I think we'll always keep complaining about both. Therefore, frequent change is necessary. But If you want my word, don't you ever think of spending your holiday days in a big city!

8) Do you allow any kind of fashion to rule over your taste?

Well, I wouldn't say that I allow it. It goes against me! I'm not I'm not an overly voguish guy. I wish we could simply ignore our (acceptable) appearance and start caring for the more important stuff. I really think that people who critisize each other for their "style choice" are superficial.

9) Are you more on the introverted or extroverted side?

I don't know if I've understood this right. I cannot draw a cut-off point precisely, for I think that I cannot apply one of them to me. When it comes to my inner feelings, I'm totally self-confident. I like spending, say, half of my time with others. But on the other hand, I feel obliged to spend some of my time on my own. That's not only from time to time, because I get really annoyed when I'm not let alone on a daily basis. A friend of mine has said that I'm wrapped with barbed-wires, and that I don't let anyone into my world that easily. That is true, but I add that when I trust someone, I profoundly do so. To summarize it, I'd say that I'm a guy with his own world and rules, who enjoys spending half of his time with others and cannot but do that, and who wants to be the only one making decisions for himself.

10) If you'd have to characterize yourself with one sentence - what would you say?

I don't feel that I have an answer to this question. You'll have to excuse me.
But if you'd do me a favour, do you think, fellow readers, you can draw a conclusion from all what I said and describe me in one sentence? I would be grateful.

My Own Tag to All of You

I've always found it difficult to answer your tags. I think I haven't even answered all of it yet. It annoyed me that I couldn't write my own tag to provoke your imagination and challenge your contemplation. But today, I've faced, rather unintentionally, the most challenging question in my life. I thought I'd better seize the chance, use that question, and tag all of you!

It was some piece of writing I had for a test. The question was this way: "Which of your qualities you would like your child to have, and which of them you do NOT want your child to have?" I started to think it was a little bit selfish to for somebody to fulfill his own desires and correct his own mistakes through his children, but soon I realized that it was a typical Pros and Cons task of writing, and I found myself drawing a table!

Can you now imagine what I had to write on either side of the vertical line? It was MY qualities. In no time, for the first time in my entire life, I had to think what I love and hate about my own self. I felt I was dissecting my personality then classifying my own characteristics, sending these to Heaven and those to Hell. Under the r header were those that I wish to be buried with me, and under the a were those I want to be transferred through to the next generation.

I found it difficult to write an honest auto-critique in 30 minutes, especially if you consider that it was my first time to think about it. But now, You have all the time you need. It's just a one-questioned tag, and I'll be waiting for a sincere answer, an honest Self-criticism!!

"Which of your qualities you want your child to have, and which of them you do NOT want him to have"

My tag is to:

Abufares
Angel (as a sweet welcome to the world of expressing one's self)
Rami the merciful
Karin
TheSyrianBrit

...and Everyone!

I’ve been tagged!

I have been tagged some time ago, by both Abufares and Karin. I have to admit that I have always found personal questions, and specially the “What is your opinion?” ones, very difficult. Maybe I wasn’t trained to answer them at School. I have always had something ready for the answer, which I didn’t have to formulate or even criticize. Or maybe I am better at writing the inflection of my own thoughts than forcing my mind to go in any specific direction. Anyway, I’ll try my best at this challenge!

1. Which is the single best post you’ve read on any blog? Please provide link.
Well, that’s easy. Since my introduction to blogsphere was through Abufares, I always liked his post: Born Behind a wall. I am not wrong if if say that I haven’t read any better post since.

2. Which is the best post you’ve written? Which is your worst? Please provide links.
To myself, the better post that I’ve written (well, I have quite few posts to choose from) was the one about writing.
When I want to write something, I think about it for a long time. Or maybe it’s the other way around: when I think of something for a long time, I go ahead and write it. I always thought about writing, then I decided to start my own blog. So it’s not a surprise that my best post will be the tought that made me go blogging in the first place.

Oh, the worst one? For the same reason, I think my worst posts are the ones I haven’t written. I hate the idea that some of my deepest thinking moments are gone and will never be back again. I should have written those down.

3. How about a place you’ve never been to but would very much like to see.
That’s easy too, because it includes the whole world!

4. If you were a member of the opposite sex, what would you have done differently?
This is a confusing question. I cannot really find a good answer. But as we say in Arabic: “everything is beautiful in its time!”. But surely, I wouldn’t have pumped iron for 2-3 years!

5. Do you remember a childhood recurrent dream or nightmare? Good or bad, tell us about it.
I always (even recently) had a dream, or I should say a nightmare, where I feel like I need to run very quickly but couldn’t manage it. I think that stands for all my unfulfilled desires

6. Make me laugh or make me cry, put your words to use.

That is the most difficult one. I haven’t been any good at making people laugh. But on the other hand, I am not boring! What can make you really crying is the real suffering of people, which is not very hard to find in this part of the world. I don’t have such a story yet, sorry!

7. Do you regret the unfulfilled dreams, the inaccessible roads, the uncharted lands?
Each experience in life can teach me something new and valuable. Had I not had the missed opportunities, I would never have been able to know the real value of anything. I don’t regret anything I had missed, but only the opportunities that I wasn’t able to learn anything from.

8. What is a friend to you? And what are you to a friend?
Friendship is one of the few things that gives meaning to life. A friend is someone who I can trust without hesitation. Someone who I can spend my time with and enjoy it, without me or him getting bored. Someone who can offer a shoulder to cry on in the hard times. And a little bit more…

9. T.S. Eliot measured his life with coffee spoons, how about you?
It’s quite difficult to measure life. Let me say I would consider the number of friends, real dependable friends, as a meaningful number in my life.

10. Write your own epitaph, or if that is too hard, how would you like your epitaph to read?
I can say no better than: “Remember man as you walk by, as you are now so once was I, as I am now, so you will be, so prepare for death and follow me.” In Arabic, I would write what AlMa’arri said:
خفف الوطأ فما أرى أديم الأرض إلا من هذه الأجساد

Are you happy/satisfied with your blog with it's content and look?
I’m not totally satisfied with the tepmplate options. I don’t care about the look, but about the accessibility. I want my blog to be as easy to read as possible. For content I have a list of thoughts to write, but no time!

Does your family know about your blog?
Not all of them. Only those who can spend some time reading my nonsense know about it.

Do you feel embarrassed to let your friends know about your blog or you just consider it as a private thing?
I can write my posts and keep them in my notebook! I’m writing for people to read, comment and share ideas. I only seem to care too much about my e-anonymity.

Did blogs cause positive changes in your thoughts?
Sure. Blogging has helped me to know that it could be difficult to let people understand how exactly you’re thinking. It’s a great source of learning how to present your ideas in an acceptable way.

Do you only open the blogs of those who comment on your blog or you love to go and discover more by yourself?
I love to discover new blogs and new people. I can easily find an interesting post, but finding an interesting blog is more difficult.

What does visitors counter mean to you? Do you care about putting it in your blog?
Number of visitors has a great meaning for me. But the more important is the feedback I receive. A single comment worth 100 visitors. You can never tell if all those visitors enjoyed what you’ve written or not. But when some one can bother to write two or three lines, that means a lot.

Did you try to imagine your fellow bloggers and give them real pictures?
This seems like judging people’s appearance by the way they write. Everybody tries that, but it can hardly be successful. I’ve had many e-mails friend who turned out to look in a different way than I have ever imagined.

Admit. Do you think there is a real benefit for blogging?
I think yes. Even if nobody is reading what you’re writing, you can read it yourself after 10 years or so, and sure you’ll enjoy it. If you didn’t, it is simply a way of getting things off your chest!

Do you think that bloggers society is isolated from real world or interacts with events?
Bloggers can get their ideas from nowhere but real world. Our lives affect what we think, what we say, and what we write. Even when we try to imagine something, our imagination is based on our reality to a great extent. However, I think bloggers doesn’t affect real world that much, they only interact with each others and those who actually read!

Does criticism annoying you or do you feel it's a normal thing?
I am happy to receive any critisim. I would like to know how people receive me or think about me. I only don’t like critisim in public.

Do you fear of some political blogs and avoid them?
I enjoy reading different blogs of different kinds. I like to know how different people think about different things. That includes politics and everything else.

Did you get shocked by the arrest of some bloggers?
I truly belive that everyone has the right to say or write what ever he/she wants. Arresting bloggers is something like depriving them from their rights, or like punishing someone because of what he/she has written. I really detest that.

Did you think about what will happen to your blog after you die?
When someone dies many things are no longer of any importance for him. I basically try to deliver my ideas to people and to have them written somewhere before it’s too late. When I die: No ideas, no blog.

What do you like to hear? What's the song you like to put its link in your blog?
What I like to hear depends on my mood. I like classical music, and I think the one I like to put in my blog is Fur Elise, for Beethoven.

Writing

Before going on with my blog, I would like to discuss what I think is the idea behind blogging: that is Writing.

As you may or may not know, History has started since our ancestor caveman decided to sculpt some symbols representing his daily life on the wall of some caves. You can say that all people and, probably, civilizations who lived before that are pre-history. We simply know nothing about them.

What started history was that basic, simple, ridiculous recording of whatever early human considered as important to him. Written language might have passed through many phases before the appearance of Alphabet. But still, some people can look at some cave walls and say: somebody lived here...

It might have taken a long time since people started writing books, philosophy and other sophisticated subjects appeared later...But in the beginning, there was the word.

As Abufares once said: "Words give us the unlimited freedom to soar with the eagles or to fuck with the chickens". Indeed, words have unlimited abilities...
Words are the way to share your experiences with people you have never met, probably many generations after yours. They are the means of spreading human knowledge and the reservoir of all intellectual products. They will enable you to draw a picture of all places you have visited and to trasnfer your feelings to your readers, to let them into your own world.

Still, in the 21st century, many people are living out of reach of history. It may be strange that in the midst of all this communication technology, people know less about each other. The need to express one's self is as urgent as it's always been.

Writing is a way of revealing ourselves to the outer world. It is almost the only way of a long-lasting expression. You may still stand up in a Speakers' Corner and shout as loud as your throat can allow; but as your voice fades away, nobody will be able to hear what you'd just said.

You don't need to be a philosopher or a creative thinker to come up with interesting pieces of writing. You can just, as the early caveman started History, start writing about your own daily life. We all have daily lives that deserve writing about, not least your life.

Everybody likes to see the reflection of his own life experiences written down somewhere. And interestingly, we enjoy reading about our own self, or what resemble it. But yet, if you have a very exotic way of living, be sure that everybody would like to know about it.

Don't wait so much. Go on and let everybody share your ideas and impressions with you. Let them cross the borders of your mortal body and last as long as there's somebody able to read. Start catching the flow of ideas that pass trough your head before they vanish. There maybe someone who'd like to share them with you, or at least the person you would be after ten years.

You have some choices here. You can get a pen and a piece of paper and write down whatever nonsense you're thinking of. You can go into a deep cave in a remote area and hide a treasure trove of knowledge there. And always, you can simply sign-up!

Keep up the good work!